I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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