Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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