So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Brb crying the tears of my youth
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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