As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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