if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
