he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
