the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
