I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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