Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
