I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
