Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
