The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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