He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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