My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
