you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
