I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
