I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
