Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
