the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
