I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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