Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
