I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
