Just fell off a train. Bad.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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