I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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