My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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