I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
