Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
