i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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