i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
