i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
