I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
