dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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