Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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