he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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