I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
