i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
