ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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