You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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