i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
