At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
