I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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