this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
