I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
