last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
