so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
