my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
