Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
