I met the friendliest cop last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
