After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the day after is always just damage control
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.