so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My ATM looks so different sober.
being pregnant is like rehab
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.