apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
