In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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