The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up under a house in Key West
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