eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
