I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
