I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
