I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sober January is a disaster.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
