i already hear my dad disowning me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
