My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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