whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
