hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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